2024-03-30
would you believe that i no longer know what i intend to do anymore? it's strange because i thought i had it figured out...i realise now that fucking around and hoping that i could get off my ass long enough to make some music, hoping that i'm proud of it enough to post online and sell physically, and hoping that it goes somewhere, was a stupid plan. especially now that i actually don't feel genuinely lonely enough for it. which sounds insane, but i know what i mean. also, it would be incredibly risky. i wouldn't want to lose my friends. and i'm nowhere near good enough at any instrument, including vocals, to be successful. i don't know...maybe i could write things?? that's always been an other plan; the likely compromise between the unrealistic dream and the crushing mediocrity of most jobs. the only thing is it can't really stand on its own stably. it would have to shift into one of the other two. oh boy, i'm so glad my moral compass forbids me from selling my soul to the state and/or capital after i graduate. i've totally set myself up for a comfortable life!
right now i'm completely by myself. most of my friends are a few hundred miles away on the other side of the country, and my girlfriend is all the way over in korea. i have my old friends close by but they're busy most of the time. i did get to see a couple old friends at their unis in the week just gone. of course, that's probably what burned me out and gave me this illness...
once i get over it i really need to study. i know it's first year and the exam results don't count as long as i pass, but i really don't want to make a fool of myself. i want to prove i'm good enough for this fucking place.
i think i'm gonna see if anyone's free for a walk tomorrow.
2024-03-07
it's slightly early and i have nearly an hour before i need to head over to a lecture...i'm finally updating this place again. in my defense, i have a full time degree (and not an easy one) to do, so i rarely have time for anything. i haven't played the guitar in months, i probably will need a couple of days to get back to speed with it.
complicating things (but in like the best possible way) is that everything i wrote for songs even just a couple of months ago is kinda dead. i've been seeing someone for nearly 4 weeks now (like i said in the last entry) and i actually don't hate living anymore because of her. i headed down to london to see her on sunday. it also means we've been spending as much of our shared free time together, which is the most fun i've had in a long time. it just means i've no time for this lol, so yeah apologies (as if anyone is reading).
what hasn't changed is that i'm constantly writing essays. though i only have one more to do this term, which is nice. i can spend my final week relaxing and spending time with my friends. can you imagine. it's not a feeling i'm used to, because i remember so much of sixth form being a drag. it was difficult to go there feeling all your old friends resented you for leaving; joining a new group of people who looked down on your old friends and also fucking hated each other. so you felt stuck in the middle and not liked by anyone. i'm glad i'm outside of that.
there's stuff i wanna say over on the music page so i'll move my thoughts to there. one final thing is that i bought an mcr tee SOLELY to wear to my lecture on 9/11, next wednesday. i'm wondering if anyone will pick up on it. probably not but you never know.